My Dwindling Sanity
by Dr. Hairspray
Summary: Hyuuga Neji ... and Uchiha Itachi ... in a beauty salon. Yes, it may SOUND crazy. But with paranoid little brothers, lecherous Akatsuki leaders, schemes, and any sort of plot thrown out the window, it doesn't just sound crazy ... it IS. CRACK
1. Of bitches and beauty salons

_My Dwindling Sanity_

**Rating:** T

**Pairings: **None really … I guess it could be taken as implied Hyuugacest/Uchihacest? But only if you squint, tilt your head to the left, stand on one foot, and like that whole incest scene.

**Warnings:** Swearing and OOCness and … uh … spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan and the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap?

**Genre:** Humor

**Word Count: **300

**Disclaimer:** Please see my Profile for details.

**A/N:** 0.o Seriously, FTW?

**xXxXxXx**

"Sasuke," Itachi decided, "is sooo my bitch."

"Well, you did murder your entire clan and made him re-live it several times due to a bloodline ability Sasuke will never obtain because he only has one best friend and he couldn't kill Naruto if he tried, as well as attempted to capture said best friend for your own nefarious purposes, as well as just being an evil bastard that made your younger brother go all "grr must be an avenger". Which was, in retrospect, really obnoxious." Neji said reasonably, eyes hidden under cucumber slices, face painted with … gloop the color of his eyes, and his head under one of those huge hair-drying machines.

"Hmm …" Itachi contemplated while in similar position.

"On the flip side, that stupid main house whore Hinata is _so_ my bitch. She calls me nii-san, can you believe that?"

Itachi pouted and replied sulkily, "Sasuke still calls me Aniki."

There was a small pause.

"Yes, well Hinata didn't run off to get raped by some snake pedophile for power she's _never_ going to get."

"That may be, but Sasuke isn't a little whiny skank who defers to, and can't even beat, her lame _Branch House_ cousin."

Neji flew into sitting position, cucumbers sliding off his face.

"Only I can talk about Hinata-sama like that!"

Itachi picked off one of his own cucumbers and took a dainty bite. In full bitch-mode, he turned to Neji and purred, "Hinata-sama? Maybe you have _another_ relationship, maybe master/slave, hmm?" He finished off his cucumber with a flourish.

Red faced, regardless of his appearance, Neji threw himself to his feet and stalked toward the door.

"Same time next week?" Itachi called after him in a silky, smug voice.

Neji paused, and then reluctantly gave a curt nod before the door to the beauty salon swung closed.

**END**

I have no excuses.

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)


	2. Of schemes and seduction

_My Dwindling Sanity_

**Rating:** M (yes, I upped the rating. -is shamed-)

**Pairings: **ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji

**Warnings:** Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content (nothing lemony/limey, more … introspective thoughts on smexy boys and insinuation).

**Genre:** Humor, Romance

**Word Count: **707

**Disclaimer:** Please see my Profile for details.

**A/N:** … There's a reason this fic is called "My Dwindling Sanity".

_THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING: _**naash**, **Phyne**, **SasukeDragon**, **Foxic Cherri**, and **mina**.

**NOTE:** FROM THIS MOMENT ON, THIS FIC IS **CO-WRITTEN BY** AND **DEDICATED TO** _SASUKEDRAGON_. Because she kicks ass and is the reason this is a multi-chapter fic. Yeah, it was supposed to be a one-shot, but her ideas were just too good to pass up! So enjoy.

**xXxXxXx**

Sasuke was not sure why Neji did not like him. Sure, the Hyuuga was one high-maintenance whore, but he normally gave Sasuke some degrees of respect, as he was hot and strong and they were distant (third-cousin-twice-removed-brother's-mother's-grandfather's-fourth-cousin's-five-times-removed-sister's-fourth-son's etc. etc. etc.) relatives.

But lately he had been giving Sasuke these Byakugan glares that made him feel like he was naked and the skin was crawling off his bones.

And somehow, Sasuke blamed Itachi (he tried blaming Naruto, but the idiot just wasn't a good enough target), not knowing how close to the truth he really was.

All's the pity.

**xXxXxXx**

Humming, Itachi admired his perfect, cobalt-blue nails as they dried. His fingers brushed past Neji's, who's face flamed at the contact (which didn't escape Itachi's noticed, but he allowed the pale Hyuuga to believe that he did). Hinata seemed a distant memory with Itachi sitting across from them, and Neji inwardly agreed with him-Hinata was a skank, and if Itachi kept looking at him like that, then the Sharingan-weilder could talk about whomever the hell he wished to talk about in whatever way.

This was their forty-eth salon date (though, Neji was refusing to call it such), and Itachi had to admit, that kid was looking better every time they came in contact. Taller, more muscular, just _hotter_. And as for Neji … who COULDN'T be attracted to all of Itachi's Itachi-ness? With the hair and the eyes and that SHIRT!

But Neji was almost more socially retarded than Itachi was, but since he refrained from murdering his whole family (which would begin with that DAMN MAIN HOUSE), he figured he was a step higher than Itachi on the hot-but-crazy scale (because holy crap, Neji was _insane_ and _everyone_ knew it.).

Oh how wrong he was.

Because Itachi knew about one thing that not-so-straight-laced Neji didn't.

_Seduction_.

And DAMN was he good at it.

He would flaunt his body and twist and turn and stretch and _moan_ and part his lips and blow on his fingers and holyfuckingdancingmonkey he just _licked his hand_ for _no apparent reason._

This all led to a furiously blushing Neji who was hot under the collar and pants tighter than normal.

But unbeknownst to both of them, a shadowy figure was slouched in the corner of the salon, eyes tracking the movements of Itachi, but which kept straying back to Neji.

"Mmm … he is delicious. It's too bad Itachi's got a hold of him." The figure mused. A glint of light off white teeth betrayed the figure's smile. "Too bad he hasn't marked the boy as his, and it's rude of Akatsuki members not to _share_ …" He gave a quiet, maniacal laugh, which was interrupted by the random appearance of a bored-looking girl chewing bubble gum obnoxiously.

"Are you gonna, like, sit down or something? Because if you don't, you hafta leave. Yer creepin' my customers out, and dude, that's just not-" There was a wet splatter as the girl was decapitated, dead before she hit the ground. Grumbling, the Akatsuki leader, who so despised interruptions, turned back to the show-

And found them gone.

With a howl of rage, he then proceeded to murder everyone in the building, because they were ANNOYING SALON PEOPLE.

Now he'd have to wait until _next week_ to watch that delicious little scrumpet!

"DAMN YOU SASUKE!" He shouted to the heavens.

Not particularly sure WHY he was blaming Itachi's little brother, he stalked off, muttering under his breath about hotties in salons that needed to EXPLODE (the salon, not the hottie).

**xXxXxXx**

Someplace somewhere, Sasuke sneezed, causing the fire jutsu he was practicing to be breathed up his nose.

After about six minutes of hacking his lungs out onto the ground, Sasuke realized Neji was plotting to kill him.

It all made sense! The stalking, the glares, the murderous intent. And now … Sasuke had sneezed. This definitely meant that Neji was thinking about him, and if Neji was thinking about him, it meant that he wanted to kill him.

Hyuuga Neji was going to murder him.

So he did what any SANE (coughcoughyeahright) person would do.

He flipped out (screaming "OMFGWTFFTWBBQNEJI'SGONNAKILLMEDEAD!") and ran home to prepare.

He sure as HELL wasn't going down without a fight.

**END**

… A "scrumpet" is a made-up word that is a combination of "strumpet" (prostitute) and "crumpet" (an English cake). Why Neji was described as a pastry that gives sexual services for money is anyone's guess. If you get it right, I'll give you a **SPECIAL MENTIONS** and … um … a prize of your choice? Like a plushy or a hug from one of the characters? Or the characters themselves? Use your imaginations, people!

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)


	3. Of light bulbs and spiders

_My Dwindling Sanity_

**Rating:** M

**Pairings: **ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji

**Warnings:** Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content (nothing lemony/limey, more … introspective thoughts on smexy boys and insinuation). Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil")

**Genre:** Humor, Romance

**Word Count: **561

**Disclaimer:** Please see my Profile for details.

**A/N:** (beams at bloody OOC shovel (gift from Vegetarian Salad)) You sure came in handy! (steps over motionless bodies of Sasuke and Neji while whistling a creepy tune)

**xXxXxXx**

Neji was an angster. Not an AVENGER like that stupid BITCH Sasuke, but an ANGSTER. That is to say, he's very good at looking hot while brooding or angsting. As he is doing now.

Neji glared up at his ceiling. Goddamn that Itachi for making him all horny! He didn't KNOW anything about the man, for fuck's sake!

Neji watched a light bulb appear over his face and his whole countenance brightened as he got an idea …

And was promptly blinded as the levitating light bulb exploded with light.

"ARGH! Motherfucking-!" Neji yelled as he attacked the light bulb viciously. It popped out of existence, miffed at the fact that it had given that STUPID BOY an idea, and nearly got exploded! Only HE was allowed to make things go 'splodey! That STUPID BOY was going to pay.

But back to Neji, who had remembered his idea and was incredibly smug as he left the house. He would just go ask Sasuke! After all, they were brothers, weren't they? (He conveniently decided to "forget" that Itachi had made Sasuke's life absolutely _miserable_.)

It was brilliant. No wonder he was the number one rookie of his time. (one year ahead of the "Rookie Nine")(More like the STUPID Nine! OH BURN!)

**xXxXxXx**

Sasuke wiped the sweat from his eyes with a satisfied smile. It had taken him almost forty-eight hours working nonstop, but now every inch of the Uchiha district was booby-trapped with traps that would only react to Neji's distinctive chakra signature.

Sasuke allowed himself a small cackle before donning his brand-new "War with Neji" outfit: Army fatigues with a hard hat spray-painted in a camouflage pattern. He carried a blow-up mini-Uzi with him (because he was a little too out of it to realize that it wasn't real). Crouching behind a barrier of sand bags, he waited.

He didn't have to wait long. His sensors indicated that a certain DIRTY RAT had just set off traps #6, #32, and #78.

He allowed himself another cackle. Neji didn't have a chance.

**xXxXxXx**

Neji barely dodged the hail of shuriken and arrows that had just descended on him while simultaneously flipping through the air to avoid the lands mines. What was with these damn booby-traps, huh? Was that stupid Sasuke THAT paranoid? And about WHAT?

"WHAT THE FUCK UCHIHA?" he shrieked, dodging a bucket of … blood (1)? The hell?

"YOUR MOM!" came the shouted response.

"Oh, you SO DIDN'T GO THERE!"

"That's what YOUR MOM said. LAST NIGHT! OH BURN!"

Neji activated his Byakugan. Oh, Sasuke was going DOWN.

His uber-cool moment was ruined by the reappearance of that DAMN LIGHT BULB, which popped in front of his face and blinded him ONCE AGAIN, making him slip in the puddle of blood on the ground an, not only fall on his ass, but stain his clothes.

Everyone was out to get him today!

**xXxXxXx**

In the end, Neji stepped on a trip wire, which triggered the attack of a huge blow-up spider. Since Neji had had arachnophobia ever since his battle with Kidoumaru of Sound, he ran in the other direction, screaming like a little girl, vowing revenge against Sasuke. And the light bulb.

And he hadn't found out ANYHTING about Itachi!

AND HIS MANICURE WAS RUINED!

It was so on.

**xXxXxXx**

SCORE:

Sasuke-1

Neji-0

Light Bulb of DOOM™- 6, 827, 643 (What now, bitches?)

**TBC**

(highfives light bulb) Oh, we so bad.

**(1)**- The blood is a reference to the horror movie _Carrie_, who gets pig blood dumped all over her. Sucks, don't it?

So … **lone-wolf987** was the only person who guessed why I called Neji a scrumpet … but it, um … wasn't the right answer. (winces) You get Kabuto anyways, m'dear. (throws him at you after putting a bow on his head) There you are.

The real reason is because it was a typo that I liked too much to fix. (shrugs)

Oh, I found out that I'm not replying to reviews correctly. (grovels) So I truly DO love you all … I'm just an idiot. Sorry. (bows sheepishly)

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)


	4. Of Twinkies and haters

_My Dwindling Sanity_

**Rating:** M

**Pairings:** ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji, some Uchihacest if you look real hard

**Warnings:** Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content (nothing lemony/limey, more … introspective thoughts on smexy boys and insinuation). Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil"). And probably character bashing, though I try not to go TOO far.

**Genre:** Humor, Romance

**Word Count: **1, 370 (DAMN! I got to a thousand!)

**Disclaimer:** Please see my Profile for details.

**A/N: **Hi guys! New chapter, yeah? I was in the throes of writer's block when **SasukeDragon** saved the day; so give her props, yeah? She kicks ass. Oh, and I realized I didn't thank reviewers last chapter so … let's go broad!

_THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING:_ **Too Lazy to Sign In**, **Yersi Fanel**, **lone-wolf987**, **amaya moore**, **lighty-chan**, **whee XD**, **mina**, **Foxic Cherrii**, **Phyne**, and **naash**.

And of COURSE **SasukeDragon**!

You guys are so awesome, thank you for reviewing. You have no idea how much I love and crave reviews … it's you guys that keep me going on a story like this, and I appreciate it.

SO ENJOY YA LAZY BUMS!

**xXxXxXx**

Neji stepped out of the shower with a contented sigh as a cloud of steam followed him out the door. It had taken two bars of soap to get all the damn blood off of his skin, and he'd had to throw away his clothes. Bloodstains were a pain in the ass to get out in regular situations, and the mass quantity of the bucket had damaged his clothes irreparably.

He scowled while wrapping a towel, turban-style, around his magnificent hair. That damn Uchiha was such a STUPID BITCH! He was soo going down.

But only after, Neji decided, catching a glimpse of his ruined nails, he had gotten another manicure.

He was so engrossed with his nails that he didn't sense Hinata coming down the other corridor, and so when he turned the corner to the residential part of the Hyuuga manor, he bumped right into her.

She squeaked and blushed, ducking her head shyly. She began to stutter out his name when Neji interrupted her.

"My Hinata, you sure are looking SKANKY today. And let's not forget FAT." And with that, he left his horrified cousin behind him as he plotted what to do next.

The click of his door closing brought Hinata out of her shock-coma. Sniffling sadly, she pulled a Twinkie out of her pocket and nibbled on it. But that was BEFORE she remembered who she was (and BEFORE the Light Bulb of DOOM™ arrived and knocked some sense into her by flashing it's light in a Morse code pattern all ninjas are familiar with).

Nodding her thanks to the light bulb, she threw down the Twinkie in disgust. What did that whore Neji think he was doing? Calling her skanky and fat … Hinata thought she had just about brainwashed him. Sighing in a supremely irritated way, Hinata stalked off, no longer playing the innocent.

If Neji didn't know who was boss, she'd just have to _remind him_.

**xXxXxXx**

Sasuke cackled gleefully at his victory over the Hyuuga. He always KNEW he was better than Neji, and NOW HE HAD PROOF!

He had been in this state since Neji fled – yesterday. Cackling and grinning and celebrating. BY THROWING A TEA PARTY!

"Well, everyone," he said to the assembled guests. He paused to take a sip of REAL TEA (like the Uchiha would IMAGINE his tea) from his pink flowered cup. He set it down gracefully on a matching saucer. "I would like to introduce you to Mr. Sand. He's rather shy so do be polite."

He cast a warning eye on them. Kon, the rudest lion he had ever met, snorted and gulped his tea noisily. Kumagorou and Usa-chan, the pink bunnies of the group (they were practically twins!), squealed happily and thunked their cups down, both managing to spill a little over the sides. Momo the squirrel nibbled on his rice ball cheerfully, ignoring Sasuke in favor of food. His last guest, Kuro Neko, meowed in assent.

He turned to the old, beaten up bear next to him, who he had affectionately named Mr. Sand, as his original owner was Gaara.

See, on his last mission to Sand, he had just HAPPENED to find himself in the Kazekage's room. And he had just HAPPENED to find this poor bear in the corner of the bare, unadorned quarters of the insomniac. In a fit of distress over the poor thing's care, he had "rescued" the teddy bear, which brought us to our current predicament.

Mr. Sand was shy and just a tad hostile, but sat and dramk his tea civilly. Sasuke beamed proudly as Kumagorou and Usa-chan engaged the newcomer in lively conversation, and Sasuke sat back, satisfied that Mr. Sand would be accepted into the group with no trouble.

His entire warm gooey moment was ruined by the appearance of one Hyuuga Hinata, who entered through the window as if she owned the place, a levitating light bulb trailing after her..

"WHAT THE CRAP?" he demanded, setting his cup down with a thunk and rising to his feet.

"Relax, Uchiha," she said cooly, surveying his tea party with a slight curl of her lip. "I'm here to help you."

He crossed his arms. For effect, he attempted to cross his legs, but he was standing so he just fell over. After struggling to his feet, he managed to spit out, "With what?"

Hinata smirked.

"Defeating that whore Neji."

**xXxXxXx**

And so, with much ado about nothing, and much ado about, well, the fact that all three of them (yes I said three; the Light Bulb of DOOM™ was still there) hated Neji, Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Hinata, and the Light Bulb of DOOM™ created the _Neji Haters_ club.

And they vowed to make his life a living Hell until he:

A: Apologized to the Light Bulb of DOOM™ for attacking it after it had been so kind to help him.

B: Stopped trying to kill Sasuke, even though he wasn't actually planning to kill him (well, he was NOW, but he didn't THEN).

C: Submitted to Hinata like the good little bitch he was.

It would be a rocky road. Mmm-Rocky Road … that's some damn good ice cream …

Anyways, it would be a rocky road.

Especially after the arrival of a new character.

(DUN DUN DUUUUN!)

**xXxXxXx**

Neji wasn't all that surprised when his door was blasted to smithereens. No, it was all part of his master plan to fall on his face like an idiot and scream like a little girl. No, really.

Neji struggled to his feet, just to be pinned to the wall by an incredibly pissed-off Gaara, who was shaking and had half his body Shukaku-ized.

"WHERE IS IT!!!" he screamed at the top of his voice, shaking Neji like a rag doll.

Now contrary to popular belief, Neji really is a badass ninja. He didn't need anyone to save him. Though, he wasn't exactly complaining when Itachi burst out of his closet (yes, Itachi "came out of the closet." Har har, yuk it up) and threw Gaara across the room.

Neji coughed. "How long were you in there?"

Itachi just leered, "Long enough."

Gaara had collapsed into a pitiful heap, sobbing about something-or-other.

"AND YOU!" Neji shouted, getting shakily to his feet. "What the HELL are you doing here?!"

Gaara looked at him, eyes red AND black rimmed. He sniffled. "S-Someone stole my Bear-Bear."

Itachi cocked his head. "Bear-Bear? Is that that ratty old bear Sasuke's been cooing over?"

Gaara was up and pissed off all over again. "SASUKE HAS HIM?" He demanded loudly, sand swirling around him.

Neji just gave Itachi a strange look, "Are you stalking your brother?"

"Less than I'm stalking YOU, but yes. I am."

Neji shrugged, walked over to Gaara, and shoved a MAGICAL cookie in his mouth. Instantly, Gaara was distracted, nibbling on the cookie with a single-minded focus. With half of him in sand-tanuki form, it was almost kind of cute.

Itachi sat down on Neji's bed, crossing his legs daintily. "Speaking of Sasuke, he, your cousin, and a floating light bulb have formed a club called the _Neji Haters_. They're out for your blood, hot stuff. I'd watch out if I were you."

Neji was incensed. "Damn you, light bulb. DAMN YOU LIGHT BUUULB!"

Itachi licked his lips, distracting Neji as effectively as a cookie against Gaara. "So what do you plan to do?"

Neji had to think about this for a few minutes. He managed to get an idea WITHOUT a light bulb's help, and thrust his fist to the sky. "We shall create a _Neji Haters** HATERS**_ club to counteract this … this … evil!"

He squatted in front of a now docile Gaara, who made a little, "Hmm?"ing sound and cocked his head, like a puppy.

"You love this Bear-Bear, yes?"

Gaara nodded fervently.

"You want to get Bear-Bear back, yes?"

Gaara nodded even MORE fervently.

"Then you'll help Itachi and I fight the one who took him, yes?"

Gaara thought about it for about three seconds, then nodded once more.

Neji handed Gaara another cookie and turned to Itachi, lounging on his bed indolently.

"You in?"

Itachi smirked. "In you? Hell yes."

And so the games were on.

**TBC**

Okay, about Sasuke's Tea Party – only Kon, Kuro Neko, and Momo were actually moving, because they are "alive" in their respective animes. The other three didn't move, that was just Sasu-chan's imagination. Kon is from Bleach, Kuro Neko is from Trigun, Momo is from Samurai Champloo, Usa-chan is from Ouran High School Host Club, and Kumagorou is from Gravitation.

(crickets)

SHUT UP!

Anyways … who doesn't think little half-sand-tanuki Gaara nibbling on a cookie is super-cute? Come on, now!

But focusing on the story … I realize it's gone in a slightly different direction, but hey. (shrug) It's humor, yeah? I can do whatever the hell I want with it, because it's supposed to be random.

Like _Neji Haters **HATERS**_. Smooth naming, Neji.

(Insert demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)


	5. Of new arrivals and old problems

My Dwindling Sanity

_My Dwindling Sanity_

**Rating:** M

**Pairings:** ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji, some Uchihacest if you look real hard

**Warnings:** Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content (nothing lemony/limey, more … introspective thoughts on smexy boys and insinuation). Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil"). And probably character bashing, though I try not to go TOO far. AND NOW IT'S A CROSSOVER!

**Genre:** Humor, Romance

**Word Count: **1, 045 (ha ha I got to a thousand again!)(less than last time, though. DAMN!)

**Disclaimer:** Please see my Profile for details.

**A/N: **Aye-o! I'm back again! Three quick things:

ONE! It was **amaya moore** who came up with Hunny randomly popping up. Hunny is from "Ouran High School Host Club," and if you remember from last chapter, his stuffed pink bunny Usa-chan was at Sasuke's sleepover.

TWO! I am BEGGING you guys for ideas. I have no idea what I'm doing with this anymore, and any suggestions are welcome. I might NOT use them, but then again … I might!

THREE! Chapter six of my drabble collections "Seasons" is an ItaNeji drabble that I wrote with "My Dwindling Sanity" in mind. If you like this story, I suggest checking it out!

THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR REVIEWING! **whee XD**, **Yersi Fanel**, **amaya moore**, and **lone-wolf987**. If I missed someone who reviewed chapter four, I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

Enjoy!

**xXxXxXx**

Itachi brushed a lock of his BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT hair out of his face as he painted Neji's nails. They were sitting cross-legged on Neji's bed as they attempted to figure out a plan.

But Neji was squirming from Itachi-proximity, and Itachi was getting him as riled up as possible from his ministrations while simultaneously making his nails perfect, and Gaara (no longer half-tanuki) was rolling on the floor, playing with his sand.

So they were going nowhere, when suddenly the door was blasted open ONCE AGAIN.

Neji was pissed. "What the FREAKING CRAP?" Itachi ignored them in favor of Neji's nearly done nails, and Gaara (lying on his back and pawing the air) craned his neck to see who had come in.

A small blonde boy, followed by a supremely tall black-haired boy entered amidst all the wreckage.

"WHERE IS USA-CHAN!!" the small boy wailed, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. But suddenly, he was a raving monster with sharp teeth and snarls, barely being restrained by the other boy (who had a hand on his shoulder). "GIVE HIM TO ME!!"

Itachi glanced over his shoulder with slitted eyes. "Is it a pink bunny?"

"YES!"

"Again, Sasuke has him."

Neji was a little weirded-out. "Um, how did Sasuke manage to get Bear-Bear from Gaara AND this … Usa-chan … from this demon-kid?"

Itachi shrugged, "Demented kleptomania?"

"WHO IS SASUKE?" The little boy demanded.

"Who are you?" Neji countered.

"Oh!" the blonde said, suddenly all smiles and cute hearts and flowers, "I'm Hunny!"

The stoic boy spoke for the first time, "Mori."

Itachi rolled his eyes, fed up with these new distractions. "Look, do you want your Usa-chan thing?"

"Yes!" came the wailed and tearful reply.

"Then sit down and shut up until I'm finished with his nails, and then we'll take you to Sasuke. Okay?"

They nodded their assent.

Looks like the _Neji Haters __**HATERS**_had two new members. Oh what FUN!

**xXxXxXx**

MEANWHILE!

"ITACHI!" the Akatsuki leader screamed, blasting the door to Itachi's room with great power and dramatics. "I DEMAND YOU GO BLOW UP THAT SALON YOU ALWAYS HANG OUT AT!"

Kisame, wide-eyed and hyperventilating, whimpered, "Itachi's not here!"

The Akatsuki leader paused. "Oh. Never mind, then." He turned to leave, but froze. Slowly spinning around, he took in Kisame's hunched, frightened stance but, more importantly, what he was holding in his hands.

Itachi's boxers.

Raising one eyebrow, he stated, "I really don't want to know. As a matter of fact, I don't care." And with that he swept out of the room, leaving a petrified Kisame and a still-broken door, barely hanging on by one hinge.

There was a blissful silence for about three seconds.

Deidara skipped by, took one look at the wreckage, and hollered for Tobi to come pick things up, as Kisame-baka was in a coma, and he was busy, yeah.

**xXxXxXx**

Hinata stared at Sasuke's TV screen. It had taken a total of ten minutes to fix it so that the cameras she had hidden in Neji's room were broadcasting directly to her location. She had witnessed the arrival of the two new guests.

Glancing at Sasuke, who was clutching "Usa-chan" and whimpering, she growled.

"Idiot! Why are you so damn stupid?" she demanded, hands on her hips.

"Hey shut up!" was his oh-so-elegant response.

Rubbing her temples, Hinata turned to The Light Bulb of DOOM™ who was currently floating near a chalkboard.

"Ok, new plan. Because of Sasuke's SUPREME IDIOCY, we'll have to spend extra time fortifying our defenses against the new members of Neji-bitch's asinine little club." Hinata said tightly.

Out of the blue, Sasuke's window exploded, revealing that the Akatsuki leader had come to his home! What an honor!

"Who the hell are you?" Sasuke yelled, abandoning Usa-chan for this new arrival.

The new arrival drew himself up to his full height and said ominously, "I am leader of the Akatsuki!" And, just for the hell of it, he leaned down and whispered, "Boo!" at Sasuke, who squeaked and hid behind Hinata, who wasn't impressed.

"I'm not impressed. What do you want?"

Offended, the Akatsuki leader crossed his arms over his chest. "Am I to understand that this is the headquarters of the _Neji Haters_?"

Hinata raided an eyebrow. "What's it to you?"

"Yeah!" Sasuke added from behind Hinata, ducking his head to fit his taller bulk behind hers.

The Akatsuki leader brushed a bit of lint from his shoulder and replied loftily "I'm quite interested in this Neji, and am willing to assist you in your fight against him if you will allow me to do what I wish with him when we have won."

Sasuke scrunched his face up, "Ew."

Hinata was unconvinced. "So you just decided to randomly pop up and help us at the exact moment we became out-numbered?"

"That, and seeing Kisame touching Itachi's underwear was a bit traumatic," the Akatsuki leader said with a shudder. "I need a good, distracting battle to get my mind off things."

Sasuke's eyes widened and he bared his teeth as he hissed "Itachi?"

Hinata rolled her eyes. "Yes, Itachi. Get your head out of your ass and pay attention to the story."

"So, we cool?" the Akatsuki leader asked, wiping more lint from his sleeve. Fucking lint!

She thought about it.

The Light Bulb of DOOM™ flashed its consent. Sasuke was in "grr must be an avenger" mode and couldn't care less.

Hinata shrugged. "Fine."

And lo, did the _Neji Haters _and the _Neji Haters __**HATERS**_ gain new members in the battle for … uh … what are they fighting each other for?

Well, Sasuke was trying to stop Neji from killing him, Neji had his pride burned by Sasuke and was thus enraged, Hunny (and Mori) and Gaara wanted their respective stuffed animals back from Sasuke, Itachi was just going along with Neji because he wanted to screw Neji and fuck with Sasuke's mind, the Akatsuki leader wanted to screw Neji as well so was helping Hinata beat the_ Neji Haters __**HATERS**_ down so that he could cart Neji away for himself, Hinata wanted Neji to be submissive to her, and The Light Bulb of DOOM™ had been offended by Neji and therefore had to punish him!

…

What the crap?

TBC

Merry Christmas all! Hoped you guys like the new chap!

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)


	6. Of kisses and cat fights

_My Dwindling Sanity_

**Rating:** M

**Pairings:** ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji, some Uchihacest if you look real hard

**Warnings:** Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content. Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil"). And probably character bashing, though I try not to go TOO far. AND NOW IT'S A CROSSOVER!

**Genre:** Humor, Romance

**Word Count:** 803 (FUCK!)

**Disclaimer:** Please see my Profile for details.

**A/N:** HOLYFLYINGBLUEMONKEYS! 31 REVIEWS? (hyperventilates) Do any of you realize how AWESOME THAT IS?

THANKS FOR REVIEWING! **lone-wolf987**, **amaya moore**, **Yersi Fanel**, **whee XD**, **Vegetarian Salad** (OMFGWTFFTWBBQ!) and **Asterixa** (heartattack).

(sniffles) YOU GUYS ARE SO FREAKING NICE! (sobs)

**xXxXxXx**

"It's going to rain."

"It's not going to rain."

"I'm telling you, it's _going to rain_."

"It's _not_ going to rain."

"IT'S GOING TO RAIN!"

"IT'S NOT GONNA FUCKING RAIN!"

Sasuke immediately cowered back as Hinata bared her teeth at him. He scuttled behind the Akatsuki leader, who was watching them, immensely entertained. For amusements sake, he turned to Sasuke.

"Why do you think it's going to rain?"

Sasuke glanced up at him and, very seriously, said, "Mr. Sand told me."

Hinata whirled and threw a priceless vase, which just happened to be lying around, in Sasuke's general direction. It hit him in the mouth and shattered, making his lip bleed.

"OW! YOU BITCH!"

"I'm SICK OF YOUR INSANITY! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR THREE MINUTES, WILL YOU?"

She turned away placed one hand on her chin, ignoring the Akatsuki leader's smothered laughter and the sniffling Sasuke. The Light Bulb of DOOM™ was the only other sane person here she felt she could talk to, but it had—

With a bright flash of light, guaranteed to make any person go blind or give them an AWESOME idea, the Light Bulb of DOOM™ returned. Hinata's eyes lit up.

"Why don't," she said slowly, "we go on the offensive instead of waiting for them to attack? Sasuke!" she snapped, making Sasuke jump in surprise. Coming to attention, he saluted, knocking his helmet off-kilter (yes, he's still wearing the army fatigues)(though that helmet didn't really protect him against Hinata).

"Fortify the defenses while we're gone."

"Sir! Where are you going, sir!" He barked.

Hinata sent a smirk over her shoulder as she climbed up on the windowsill.

"To put the advantage in out favor."

And she was gone.

The Akatsuki leader gave a low whistle. "Man, if I hadn't already set my sights on that other Hyuuga kid, I would SO do her!"

**xXxXxXx**

"Okay!" Neji said. He said it again to see if he would be any less nervous. "Okay!"

Nope.

The other members of the _Neji Haters **HATERS**_ were sitting in a half circle, looking at him for their plan.

Neji whimpered. "Itachi?"

Itachi stopped braiding his hair and put his chin on Neji's shoulder, his arms around the other boy's waist. "Mmm?"

Neji stiffened at the feel of Itachi's breath against his neck. He managed to stammer out, "C-Cou-Could yo-you hel-help-EEP!"

Itachi was nibbling on his ear, uncaring of the three other people in the room, his hands slipping a little lower—

"Well, isn't this just so cozy."

Itachi's head snapped up at the sound of Hinata's voice, and Neji whimpered again. (Whether it was in relief or disappointment is unclear)

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Itachi snapped, his voice icy.

"It's my goddamn house, _Uchiha_," she hissed.

Neji gasped, scandalized. "Hinata!"

She sneered. "Shut up, bitch."

"HEY!" Itachi, detaching himself completely from Neji, and growling, "He's MY bitch."

"You just fucking WISH!"

"It's YOU who's wishing, whore."

"Neji is MINE!"

"HE'S MINE!"

And thus, the two growling masters-of-the-Neji launched themselves at each other, screaming at the top of their lungs.

"SKANK!"

"SLUT!"

In true cat fight fashion, it started with a vicious tug on the hair, followed by an angry red scratch to the face, and they just _lost it_. Screaming obscenities, they wrestled each other to the floor.

Hunny, Mori, and Gaara, now perched on Neji's bed, watched the pair roll back and forth. Neji just stared, openmouthed.

But it didn't take him long (twenty minutes) before he snapped to it. He barked instructions to Gaara, who complied and pulled the two apart using sand.

They still clawed at the air attempting to get to each other. Their hair was mussed; Hinata looked like she was missing at least a small clump, and the tie that held Itachi's hair back was missing, so his black, glossy locks spilled into his face, which was bleeding sluggishly from a red scratch that cut across his cheekbone. Both their clothes were cut to the quick. You could see Hinata's bra from the tear at her shoulder, and Itachi had thrown his cloak off; his fishnet shirt was torn in several places.

Neji stared at Itachi, swallowing hard. Panting and flustered, Itachi was … was … SO HOT.

At a quick signal from Itachi, Gaara threw Hinata through the window, making her shriek like an angry cat and Itachi smirk, satisfied.

It was that smirk that did Neji in. In two quick strides, he had his hands fisted in Itachi's loose hair and was kissing him fiercely. Hunny, all but silent until now, squeaked and scuttled out of the room, Mori and Gaara in tow.

When they finally came up for air, Itachi looked into Neji's face (now as flushed as his own) and practically sneered. "I told that skank you were mine."

**TBC**

(fidget)(fidget) A little action for my lovely, super-nice, patient reviewers? (panics, flees)

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)


	7. Of singing and screaming

_My Dwindling Sanity_

**Rating:** M

**Pairings:** ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji, some Uchihacest if you look real hard, implied Hyuugacest

**Warnings:** Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content. Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil"). And probably character bashing, though I try not to go TOO far. AND NOW IT'S A CROSSOVER (between OHSHC and Harry Potter!)

**Genre:** Humor, Romance

**Word Count:** 1, 170

**Disclaimer:** Please see my Profile for details.

**A/N:** Has it really been a WHOLE YEAR?! Shit guys, I'm so sorry. This year was a busy one. I still love you all very, very much! All your reviews move this story.

_THANKS FOR REVIEWING!_ (I got reviews throughout the WHOLE YEAR. You guys seriously kick my ass.) **kibahina.4.evur**, **Asterixa**, **Celiatsu**, **Vegetarian Salad**, **Niram**, **mina**, **Madame Puddifoot**, **Foxic Cherrii**, **SasukeDragon**, **Phyne**, **naash**, **Yersi Fanel**, **Dark**, **Shineko-chan**, **lighty-chan**, **whee XD**, **Too Lazy To Sign In**, **amaya moore**, **Itachi'sEBILcuppycake**, **Llama Drama**, **Skeleton Tree**, **InsaneBlackHeart**, **the girl in the mirrior**, **NejiXItachi**, **The Sleeping Creature**, **Ren-sensei**, **PsychoticMidnight**, **Acela**, **SendMoreParamedics**, **DarcGarnet**, **Valid Until Proven Insane**.

And thank you to everyone who favorited/ put on their alert list me/this story! You have no idea how happy it makes me!

Special thanks go to **Asterixa**, **Vegetarian Salad**, **SasukeDragon**, **Skeleton Tree**, **NejiXItachi**, and **the girl in the mirror**. You know why.

**xXxXxXx**

"I feel pretty … oh so pretty …"

"I feel pretty and witty and-"

The Akatsuki Leader and Sasuke turned to each other with hearts in their eyes, and sang together, "Gaaaaaaaay!"

Sasuke twirled, the lacy hem of his dress flying up to reveal frilly bloomers. The Akatsuki Leader, dressed a comfortable, at-home kimono (his face still somehow masked in shadow, though the rest of his body was perfectly lit) bowed to him gallantly and took him by the arm.

As they sashayed around the room, Sasuke continued.

"And I pity, any girl that isn't me today!"

"Lalalalalalalalalalaaa!"

But with his usual bipolar suddenness, Sasuke dropped to the ground wailing, pressing his skirt to his face in despair (once again showing off his frilly bloomers).

"NOOOOOOOOOO, MOOOOOTHEEEEEEEER!"

The Akatsuki Leader patted him on the head, snickering. "There, there."

Hinata looked up briefly from the security monitors. She was pacing, and her hair was still mussed, her shirt still torn, but she had reached a level of almost zen-like calm. Which was more terrifying than her angry.

"Will you stop humoring him? After watching my bitch betray me with that …thing-that-shall-not-be-named, I do not need to see you two parading around in his dead parent's clothes."

**xXxXxXx**

Voldemort lifted his head. "Is someone calling me?"

Orochimaru grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down to eye level, hissing. "I'm going to be KILLING you if you don't finish doing that thing with your tongue!"

Voldemort scowled. "Do it yourself! With YOUR long-and-mighty tongue, you don't even …" his voice cracked a bit before continuing, "you don't even NEED me!"

Orochimaru hissed softly, "Oh, my Voldy. Come to daddy."

**CENSORED** FOR DISTURBING IMAGES (ha)

**xXxXxXx**

But anyways.

Sasuke sniffled, "B-but, it makes me feel closer to mommy!"

"If you want to feel closer to mommy, go dig up her grave." And with that, Hinata turned away.

The Akatsuki Leader was just zipping up his cloak, and tsked. "Now, that's just morbid. You've put the poor boy in a coma with your dirty talk."

"What's morbid is seeing Uchiha Sasuke dressed up in a lacy pink dress, with bows in his hair, AND frilly bloomers."

"Hmm, quite right."

Sasuke continued to sob hopelessly.

**xXxXxXx**

"Hey! Hey, wait a second!" Naruto put his hands on his hips and scowled. "I'm the main character! The entire series is CALLED Naruto! Where the hell am I?"

Good question.

**xXxXxXx**

And then Naruto burst through the window (it had magically repaired itself since chapter 5), showering glass on the already traumatized Sasuke.

"SASUKE-ttebayo! I have come to-"

The air deflated out of him at the site of Sasuke curled up in the fetal position (in a dress), the Leader of the Akatsuki, and Hinata (looking like she had just had her ass kicked) all in one room.

"Naruto, not that I'm not desperately in love with you or anything, but this is not a good time." Hinata said, not stopping her pacing.

Naruto flapped his jaws uselessly.

The Light Bulb of DoomTM (with many bows to his adoring fans) appeared with a sudden pop and nudged Hinata gently.

"Ah, yes. Well, Naruto, how would you like to be in the battle of your life?"

At the word 'battle', Naruto's body tensed, and flames of determination ringed him.

" I will protect you with my life!"

"Thank you, Lee. I was asking Naruto."

He blinked. "What?"

"There's Ramen in the cupboard."

"OOH!" And off he went.

The Akatsuki Leader glanced at Sasuke, then at the retreating back(side) of Naruto. "Konoha boys are fairly simple, aren't they?"

"Oh, you have NO idea."

**xXxXxXx**

Itachi whistled, "I feel pretty" as he rinsed his luscious hair, the scents of his special brand of shampoo wafting over his senses and making him purr contentedly. He had left Neji sprawled out on the bed, deeply asleep, the others sitting on the floor watching him.

As he sailed out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, Neji's specially monogrammed towel barely hitched around his hips, he caught site of her. HER.

SHE stopped, in the act of sneaking out of HER OWN bedroom. Sneaking around HER OWN HOUSE! SHE looked over at him without any expression.

_Perfect._

He sauntered over, leaning against the wall casually, letting his greater stature loom over hers. He leaned in close and licked his fingertips, giving a little laugh.

"Tasty, isn't he? A _great_ lay."

And then she was gone, and Itachi went on his way, still whistling, with a new spring in his step.

**xXxXxXx**

Not much had changed back at the base. They were all waiting for Hinata to return. And boy, did she ever.

Blasting open the door, she came in like a whirlwind of teeth and hands and fury.

"WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT LITTLE SLUT-WHORE THINK HE IS?!?!?!? **TOUCHING** MY NEJI?!?!?! **TASTING** HIM?!?!?! **FUCKING** HIM??!?!??! **MY PROPERTY**??!!?!? I'LL KILL HIM, I'LL FUCKING RIP HIS DICK OFF, SHOVE IT DOWN HIS THROAT, AND CUT HIS FUCKING BITCH-CUNT HEAD OFF!!!!!"

She had Sasuke by the collar of his frills, shaking him.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING KILL HIM WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE! IT'S BEEN YEARS! HE COULD'VE BEEN DEAD, DEAD TO THE WORLD, DANCE-ON-HIS-GRAVE DEAD, BUT NO! YOU WERE TOO WEAK!!!!"

She threw him into the wall and he crashed through it. The Akatsuki Leader blended into the shadows wisely, while Naruto gaped at the scene open-mouthed.

"Hinata!"

"OH SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR RAY-OF-SUNSHINE, RAINBOW HAPPY DETERMINATION BULLSHIT! HE IS GOING DOWN, DO YOU HEAR ME? I WILL RIP OUT HIS BEATING HEART IF I HAVE TO! I WILL SCRATCH HIS EYES OUT, THOSE GREEDY, LEER-AT-NEJI EYES, AND EAT THEM!!!""

She screamed in fury and stomped out of the room, shouting obscenities and death threats along the way.

The Akatsuki Leader shook his head. He was right to pick the other Hyuuga. This one was a fucking sociopath! (Though there's no denying that that little feat with Sasuke, not to mention her swearing, gave him the most delightful shivers.)

He turned at the sound of Naruto's world breaking, and found him sprawled on the ground.

He shook his head, "I pity the fool."

**xXxXxXx**

YAY FOR PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS! (**PLEASE READ**)

Voldemort cleared his throat, "Ahem. Hello, viewers!"

Orochimaru flicked his tongue teasingly, "Readers."

"Shut up!" Voldemort hissed, glaring. "Hello, **readers**, then. Satisfied?"

"Why don't you come over here and find out?"

"Anyways. We've only got a few chapters (four) left before the end, and we're calling for a poll."

"The kind you can dance around? In frilly lingerie that I get to take off?" Orochimaru perked up.

"A POLL, not a POLE, pervert." Voldemort said sullenly.

"What's the difference?"

"ANYWAYS. We're calling for a POLL of the READERS: What group do you want to win? _The Neji Haters_, or the _Neji Haters __**HATERS**_? Your votes will decide!"

Orochimaru whined, "That's not sexy! Now that outfit you wore last night, the one with the-"

"Anywaysvotenowpollendssoongoodbye!"

**TBC**

You guys rock, thanks for being so patient.

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)


	8. Of passing out and all kinds of noises

_My Dwindling Sanity_

**Rating:** M

**Pairings:** ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji, some Uchihacest if you look real hard, implied Hyuugacest

**Warnings:** Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content. Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil"). And probably character bashing, though I try not to go TOO far. AND NOW IT'S A CROSSOVER (between OHSHC and Harry Potter!)

**Genre:** Humor, Romance

**Word Count:** 899

**Disclaimer:** Please see my Profile for details.

**A/N:** Yo. Sorry I'm late … I got lost on the road of life. (pulls out the latest Icha Icha Paradise to cover up the red blush of SHAME BURING ON MY CHEEKS!!!!!)

_THANKS FOR REVIEWING, FAVORITING, AND ALERTING!_ You have no idea how much I love you guys and how much you inspire me!

**The Perfecest Demonic Angel**, **Ero-Chibi-Chan**, **blue Li9Ht**, **Meemei**, **K.O.**, **Tally Mai-chan**, **Soka**, **Thrae Elddim**, **Atsuko Uehara**, **Teh Soul Cookie**, **black55widow**, **Kagome Raya**, **Send More Paramedics**, **Asterixa** (I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE MY HERO!), **the girl in the mirror**, **The Sleeping Creature**, **PsychoticMidnight**, **ChibiLeonKitty**, **FriendshipxOfxFire**, **ArgyBargy**, **Your Kidney**, **Celiatus**, **kibahina.**, **Ren-sensei**, **Acela**, **DarcGarnet**, **Mime Harlequin**, **The Soul Cake Duck**, **Madame Puddifoot**, **Yersi Fanel**, **amaya moore**, **Valid Until Proven Insane**, **Vegeterian Salad** (SUPER LOVE! I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE YOUR BRILLIANCE!), **Llama Drama**, **whee XD**, **Shineko-chan**, **Sasuke Dragon** (YOU ARE INCREDIBLE, AND I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!}, **Too Lazy To Sign In**, **Dark**, **lighty-chan**, **mina**, **Delicious cake-desu.**, **Phyne**, **naash**.

And a SUPER SPECIAL shout-out goes to all my voters! You've made a very … clear statement, lol. (To see the current poll stats, see my profile).

**xXxXxXx**

Deidara licked his lips (all three pairs of them) and said hestitantly, "Um … so let me get this straight, yeah … you want us to come help you beat up a group of kids because … you want to screw one of them, yeah?"

The Akatsuki leader, reclining in his throne room, with the tortured screams of the damned (all the people who had offended him within the past week, including some of the annoying salon people that he had resurrected for the hell of it) creating a certain soothing ambience (to psychopaths) replied-

"Like, duh."

Hidan snorted. "Fuck you, that's some fuckity shit. Fuck."

Before the others could express any other opinion whatsoever, the Akatsuki leader pressed a button, and Hidan was incinerated on the spot.

The ashes formerly known as Hidan said, "Aww, fuck. You fuckers know how fucking long it takes to resur-fuckingr-ect from fire? Fucking fuck, man!"

The Akatsuki leader surveyed the rest of the group, and over Hidan's swearing asked, "Any other comments, my pets?"

Silence.

"Now, who shall get the incredible honor of coming with me … and who will stay behind because they smell funny?"

**xXxXxXx**

"Ssssssso … what your telling me issssss … isssss that you want me to help you fight a group of kidssssss becausssssse … I'd get Ssssssssassssssssuke?" Orochimaru hissed from his rumpled bed of pure sick and disgusting fluids, where he and Voldemort lay, wrapped around each other.

Amidst the crumpled bodies of his fellows (they had all passed out in horror, save Gaara), wishing Itachi was with him instead of … not with him, Neji swallowed thickly and tried not to vomit.

"Y-Yes."

Voldemort pouted. "You know, I still can't believe you're hung up on that Sasuke kid. I thought you loved ME!" Tears began to well up in his slitted eyes.

Orochimaru hissed and pressed himself closer to Voldemort, stroking his face (Neji covered his poor, bleeding eyes with his hands and cried, "Oh god!") and whispered, "No, no my sweet snaky love. I'm not hung up on him. I want to do this for _us_. Wouldn't you like a little love slave to do your bidding? One prettier than that AWFUL Wormtail?"

Voldemort sniffed, but thought about it. "I could use a pretty minion …"

Orochimaru ginned broadly, "Sssssee? I knew you'd sssssee it my way." And they began to commence in some awful form of fornication.

Neji whimpered.

Orochimaru released Voldemort with an odd sucking sound. "Oh, yessssss. You. We have a deal."

Neji's knees nearly buckled with relief, and Gaara thankfully sand-ported them out.

"Now, where wasssss I?"

**xXxXxXx**

Neji collapsed into Itachi's arms sobbing incoherently. This wasn't a new thing to Itachi, who had learned that Neji started sobbing incoherently every half hour, but it was novel that he was five minutes early. Something REALLY must've happened. Not to mention the fact that the rest of the _Neji Haters __**HATERS**_ were unconscious.

"Awww, honey," he crooned, "What's the matter?"

"Orochi-hic-maru and this-hic-other yucky sna-hic-ke guy were being YUCKY!" He sobbed helplessly.

"Let me help you with that." Itachi replied with a sinister grin and proceeded to wipe the last twenty minutes from Neji's memory.

With his tongue.

**xXxXxXx**

Naruto had needed nearly two days of complete bed rest because of Hinata-shock, but had now recovered. Well … to a certain degree.

He acquired fatigues identical to Sasuke, and now the pair of them huddled together, clutching each other and shivering while watching Hinata stalk back and forth like an angry tiger.

The Akatsuki Leader strolled in, whistling. "Hey Hina-chan, I brought some new minions." He lined them up in front of her like prize cattle and grinned expectantly. Sasuke and Naruto dove under the nearest table in preparation for the imminent explosion.

She raised one eyebrow and glanced over her shoulder icily.

Deidara, Tobi, and Zetsu (the only three the Akstsuki leader had decided to drag along, making all choices on who to bring/leave behind for pure amusement's sake) stood together, shuffling restlessly.

Hinata nodded once, then spoke dramatically, in an icy whisper that, while soft, nevertheless rang through the room.

"We battle at dawn."

Naruto and Sasuke both forgot their Hinata-phobia and leapt to their feet to issue incredible battle cries that would strike fear in the hearts of their enemies and invigorate their companions –

But since they were huddled under a table, they merely crashed into it and succeeded only in knocking themselves out.

WOAH, SO SCARY!

…

Not.

Tobi, as if sensing what their intentions were, screamed, "TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

**xXxXxXx**

Neji moaned, "Um .. oh … I-Itachi?"

"Mmm?"

Biting his lip, Neji forced his thoughts away from Itachi, who had been steadily making his way downwards (and was now finally at his navel, _ohgoddon'tstopmore_) and tried again, "Itachi, d-did you hear that?"

Itachi paused.

Neji whimpered, "Something about a, ah … good boy?"

Itachi thought for a moment, then smirked, sending shivers down Neji's spine. "Oh, no," he purred, "oh, no, Neji, you're not a good boy."

Neji frowned. That had nothing to do with what he said.

"You're a BAD boy."

He froze, eyes going wide as Itachi's hands began to move.

"And bad boys need to be _punished_."

Neji squeaked.

Now the look on Itachi's face, THAT was scary.

(Well, sexy, but what's two or three letters when Itachi's doing THAT?)

**TBC**

Like, holy crap. I know it's taking me FOREVER AND A DAY, but I'm actually doing a real story. This is the longest thing I've ever written in my life. (passes out from utter shock)

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)


	9. Of battles and brawls

_My Dwindling Sanity_

**Rating:** HIGH.

**Pairings:** LOTS.

**Warnings:** BAD STUFF.

**Genre:** HAHA, THAT'S HOT.

**Word Count:** 1, 145

**Disclaimer:** NO.

**A/N: **GUH.*Brain breaks at the amount of awesomeness she has endured from her amazing readers.*

NUH. *Thanks for everything, guys!*

**xXxXxXx**

Two lines stood opposite to each other, with a great expanse of field between them. The grass waved ominously in the breeze.

To the one side: the _Neji Haters_. Hinata, who had cleaned herself up and stood in the front, wearing nothing but a blood red bikini and more weapons than you could possibly imagine, each stained with blood. Black coal marked intricate patterns on her body and face, and she stood with her teeth bared. The Akatsuki leader stood to her right, along with Deidara, Tobi, and Zetsu. To her left stood Naruto, Sasuke, and the Light Bulb of DOOM™.

To the other side: the _Neji Haters __**H**__**ATERS**_ (who had (almost) completely recovered). Neji and Itachi stood at the front, looking … like they always looked. Neji was bug-shit crazy, with his eyes slightly twitching from his encounter with Voldemort and Orochimaru. Itachi had his arms around Neji's waist, goosing him every couple moments and sending winks and air-kisses to Hinata. To their right stood Hunny and Mori, both looking very cold and efficient. To his left was Gaara, who was still half-Shukaku-ized. Voldemort and Orochimaru were off to the side, chillin' like villains.

The stage was set. The players assembled.

But suddenly (flipping through the air screaming "THE SPRINGTIME OF YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUTH!") ROCK LEE APPEARED!

"Friends!" He shouted, his smile like a beacon of hope in a lonely world of shadows, his body perfectly placed in the good-guy pose.

"Friends," he said again, "please, stop this madness! Rival-fights are healthy and natural, but no serious blood needs to be shed! We can coexist in peace and happiness, and-"

But just as suddenly, he was carried off by a horde of screaming fangirls, and did not return.

(You should know that I was among them, but I will continue to scribe this chapter through psychokinetic powers.)

Itachi shook his head. "Anyways."

The stage was set. The players assembled.

The time was now.

Just as the sun burst over the horizon, coating the scene with dazzling light, Hinata rushed forward, screaming incoherently. Hundreds of Naruto's burst into existence and followed at her back, as did the rest of her soldiers.

Itachi snarled and abandoned Neji to tackle her to the ground, their rolling bodies and curses lost to the dust of the crowd. Neji was suddenly facing Sasuke. Ignoring the chaos around them, they locked eyes.

"It's you."

"Yeah it's me. Bitch."

"You're a bitch."

"Your mom's a bitch."

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK ABOUT MY MOM, GODDAMMIT!"

They stepped forward, closed their eyes, and ineffectually began slapping at each other, squealing.

Hunny and Mori were efficiently fighting ten gazillion Naruto's each, almost obscured by the smoke of their dispersion. Gaara was happily playing jump rope with Tobi and the Light Bulb of DOOM™, purpose forgotten.

As for the rest of the villains …

**xXxXxXx**

Voldemort and Orochimaru, a good distance away from the battle, stopped sucking face at a discrete cough. Deidara and Zetsu stood a couple of meters away, shifting uncomfortably.

"Hey, um, yeah, I know we're supposed to be fighting and all, yeah, but do you think we can just sort of hang out over here, yeah?" Deidara asked, his hands coming up placating, mouths tasting their emotions. "'Cause yeah, this is all a little disturbing, personally, yeah, and I don't really care if Leader gets that crazy kid, yeah, but if he sees us over here, yeah, he'll think we're fighting – "

Voldemort interrupted in true evil villian fashion – with a rant.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD WILL YOU STOP TALKING! Even Wormtail doesn't talk as much! God, just bend over, why don't you? Minions are so fucking annoying! And why do you keep saying yeah? It's more annoying than a valley girl saying like every five seconds!"

Orochimaru soothed his lover, cooing and petting him as he panted heavily.

But Deidara, as much as he was an ass-kissing minion, was also a kick-ass missing nin.

"Hey, yeah, don't talk to me like that!"

"What are you going to do about it, butt-suck?" Voldemort stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry, feeling safe within his lover's arms.

An explosion took out several meters of trees. Voldemort and Orochimaru apparated the hell out of there, done with this shit, while Deidara screamed in frustration and tried to follow. Zetsu shook his head and burrowed deep underground to wait for the aftermath.

As hundreds of Naruto's became smoke, Hinata and Itachi suddenly became visible, blind to everything but their battle. Hinata actually had Itachi pinned; his face ground into the dirt, his arms held in a chokehold while she straddled him.

Neji gasped and stopped his slap fight with Sasuke, who managed to get one more blow to his face before he was also distracted. The fighting slowed and stopped, a ring forming around the two struggling leaders.

Concession!Naruto's began setting up shop, walking around handing out "Popcorn, get your popcorn here! Peanuts, popcorn, hotdogs, soft drinks! Nothing under $59.99!"

Even though Naruto was traumatized, he never wasted a chance to make money. Besides, he was a sucker for the WWE Raw.

A bell rang, and referee!Naruto pulled the two apart, pushing them to their respective corners. Both were bloody and scratched, bleeding and panting heavily.

**IN HINATA'S CORNER!**

"Girfriend, you keep this up!" the Akatsuki leader said encouragingly, thoroughly enjoying himself (he watched WWE Raw, too), while minon!Naruto wiped blood out of her eyes and squirted water into her gaping mouth. "You've almost got him! A couple more rounds and that bitch will never touch Neji again!"

Hinata slowed her breathing and nodded, her eyes going to a trussed up Neji who was wearing nothing but gold bikini bottoms that spelled "CHAMPION" in red letters over his ass. The sight filled her with fire and she nodded, raring to go.

**IN ITACHI'S CORNER!**

Hunny slapped the side of his face gently. "Ya gotta snap out of it! You're not just fighting for yourself, but Usa-chan and Bear-Bear too! You're fighting for all of us! You're getting your butt flattened like a pancake out there! Ya gotta come back! Think of what you're fighting for! Honor! Glory! The rights of stuffed animals everywhere!"

Itachi shook Mori's hands out of the way and spit blood out onto the grass. His eyes lifted and locked with Hunny's, a predatory smirk gracing his features. On the sidelines, medic!Naruto shoved tissue up Neji's nose to stop the gush of blood at the sight of that grin.

"Hot sex," he purred.

Hunny looked distinctly uncomfortable as he hauled Itachi to his feet. "Yeah … right … whatever float's your boat, kid."

The bell dinged again, and both champions staggered to the center of the ring.

Over the roar of the crowd, announcer!Naruto, in a classic deep voice, shouted, " Ladies and gentlemen, I give you … **ROUND TWO**!"

**TBC**

BUH. *One chapter to go, amazing people!*

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)


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